


Up Venta!

by Cerdic519



Category: Supernatural, Up Pompeii!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ancient Rome, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Gladiators, Horizontal jogging, Infidelity, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Potions, Prophecy, Roman Britain, Slavery, Unrequited Crush, Winchester (city)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-07-19 15:23:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7367092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerdic519/pseuds/Cerdic519
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greetings, good citizens. Welcome to the Roman Empire's Britannia Province, specifically the town of Venta (later Winchester). The story is narrated by the slave Chuccio, whose masters the brothers Decanus, Samus and Adamus own a house in Venta. A handsome young gladiator called Castiellus is just moving into the house opposite, men everywhere are moving into the bedroom of Samus' wife Rubia 'for educational purposes' (!), while Adamus is writing poetry that moves people, usually out of his way when they see him coming. There is a horny centurion called Lucius in pursuit of a new secretary, a slave-girl Becca in pursuit of Chuccio, and a soothsayer called Pamela in pursuit of the sooth and a man, but maybe not in that precise order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PRIMUS

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tisha_Wyman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tisha_Wyman/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the gang 'cause the boys (and girls) are here!

_(The scene: a Roman street. There is a small fountain with a bench to the left. Two houses are clearly visible; one to the left of which the front door is slightly open, and a smaller one to the right which has a sign outside reading 'VENIVIT'. Both houses have balconies that reach across the street towards each other, although it is doubtful that anyone could leap the gap. What is very clearly a slave opens the door to the house on the left and emerges, bowing to someone unseen inside. He is middle-aged, dressed in a poor quality brown tunic, and to call him plain would be.... accurate.)_

Chuccio: Yes, of course, master, I shall endeavor to find out forthwith. Yes, master. Definitely, master.

_(He shuts the door and walks over to the fountain.)_

Chuccio: I know his game! The only reason he wants to know who's purchased the house opposite is because he's hoping to have sex with them. Honestly, if it moves then my Decanus will copulate with it, and if it doesn't, he'll copulate with it till it does! Sex mad, even for a Roman!

_(He sits himself carefully on the bench, wincing at the coldness.)_

Chuccio: Tunic. Us slaves aren't allowed.... no, we can discuss my underwear some other time. Greetings, good citizens.

_(He looks disdainfully at the audience.)_

Chuccio: Meh, I suppose we could have done worse. Well, this is the town of Venta in the province of Britannia, recent addition to the mighty Roman Empire. Only a few years old; the Celts who were here first built an impressive hill-fort up above the river, but we captured it and set the new town here next to the water supply. Decent place; my old master, Decanus' father, lives in another part of the town, and brought this place for his three sons. They live in the house I just.....

_(He is interrupted by a voice from the house he emerged from, calling his name. Moments later, a handsome man emerges. He is in his early twenties, blond with short-cropped hair, tall and dressed in the garb of a patrician, something unusual for one so young)._

Chuccio: This is my master, Decanus. Anyone in the front row of the audience who's the least bit good-looking – man or woman, he believes in equality – might want to move back. _(He pauses.)_ Not you, dear. You don't need to worry.

Decanus: Chuccio, I can't find my brother anywhere.

Chuccio: And which brother would that be, master?

Decanus: Sammy, of course. Where is he?

Chuccio: Master forgets, today your brother is helping out at the local school. He will be back this evening, unless you wish me to take a message and ask him to come home now?

Decanus: No, it can wait. So, anything on the new neighbors? I know you always keep your ear to the ground and a finger in the air while your nose is to the grindstone.

Chuccio: That would make me a contortionist, master. Yes, I spoke with Jodia when she was changing the sign earlier. A young retired gladiator has taken it, by the name of Castiellus.

Decanus _(frowning)_ : Young _and_ retired?

Chuccio: I am led to understand he had a very definite difference of opinion with one of the provincial governor's men up in Camulodunum, sir. It ended in a sword-fight, and he deemed it wise to remove himself from the town rather hastily. He is about your age, she says.... and single.

_(Decanus looks wistfully at the house opposite)._

Decanus: I shall call on him later, perhaps. Take round some ale as a welcoming gift, you know. Maybe look around the house even.

_(He nods to the servant and returns to the house. The servant waits until he is gone before speaking.)_

Chuccio: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he is called Decanus. Latin for ten, where his sex-drive is permanently set!

_(Decanus re-emerges from the house and sets off down the road. He is scarcely out of sight when a young Roman buck appears from the shadows and knocks at the door, to be immediately admitted. The servant shakes his head disapprovingly)._

Chuccio _(sighing)_ : 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

_(The upstairs window opens, and a young and attractive dark-haired woman leans out. To call her dress low-cut would to be pass up a chance to use the term 'sluttish')._

Chuccio: Now this is Rubia, my master's brother's wife. And the man who just slipped inside is one of her XL lovers. _(He looks at the audience disapprovingly)._ No, not extra-large; honestly, where did they find you lot? XL is Latin - for forty!

Rubia: Chuccio, I am not to be disturbed for a while. My, uh, language teacher has just arrived and we are going to conjugate some verbs.

_(She shuts the window)._

Chuccio _(smirking)_ : That's what she calls it. I know who's getting conjugated!

_(A young man appears and wanders down the street towards Chuccio. He is blond and smartly-dressed, but looks totally lost. The servant sighs)._

Chuccio: Oh here's a right one. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Adamus, my master's half-brother. My master's father had an affair with a slave girl, and he was one of the consequences. The other was that my master's father discovered that my master's mother could do things with a carving knife that.... well, it made damn sure he stopped at three. I believe the Greeks call it 'sequestration of assets'.

Adamus _(brightly)_ : Hullo, Chuccio. You won't believe what happened to me at the market today.

_(The servant sighs heavily, and looks decidedly put-upon)._

Chuccio: Let me hazard a totally wild guess. You met a beautiful girl, you lost your heart to her, and you wrote an ode to her divine beauty.

Adamus _(looking surprised)_ : How did you know that?

Chuccio _(rolls eyes)_ : I read the damn script! Well, pass it over and let's see what masterpiece you've come up with this time.

_(Adamus duly does, and Chuccio reads the scroll)._

Chuccio: 'Ode to Bella'. Sweet. 'I love her so, I can't decide, Just what are her best bits'. _(He looks at the audience and shakes his head)._ 'But what I'd really like to do, is handle her great horse and carriage.'

Adamus: I know it doesn't quite scan, but I can't think of a rhyme for bits.

Chuccio: Well, he's the only one who can't! Poor boy.

_(Adamus takes back the ode and wanders over to the house. The servants smiles after him before he realizes)._

Chuccio: Young master? Uh, where are you going?

Adamus: Just out the back garden, Chuccio. I thought I'd work on my ode.

Chuccio _(softly)_ : It needs it. _(Louder)_ Only your sister-in-law is..... studying upstairs.

Adamus: Yes, Rubia is always hard at it.

Chuccio _(smirks)_ : Oh how true!

Adamus: And she has tutors for so many things. Some of them aren't very good, you know. One rushed out the other day leaving half his clothes behind, but she said they were doing an art class together and she was helping him get off quickly.

_(He wanders off. The servant shakes his head in despair.)_

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is later in the day. Chuccio is sat on the bench polishing some brass ornaments when he sees Decanus coming back down the street. His master is not alone)._

Chuccio: Oh buggerus! The sky-scraper with my master is his younger brother Samus. Goodhearted and great hair, but totally in love with his wife and believes everything she - or anyone - tells him. You'll find him in the dictionary under 'gullible'. Huh, is she in for a shock!

_(An elderly man comes out of a house further down the street and greets the brothers, who after a few words accompany him into his house. Chuccio hurries over to his house, picks up a stone and tosses it against the upstairs window. He is picking up a second when the window opens and a disheveled Rubia looks out)._

Rubia: What is it, Chuccio? Can you not see that I am.... studying?

Chuccio: Cut with the conjugating, mistress. Your husband and my master have just called in at the house of their uncle Rovertus down the road, and they will be here soon. Your, ahem, 'teacher' had better hop it!

_(She nods frantically, and the shutters and slam shut. Moments later, the young man who had entered the house earlier rushes from the door and past the servant)._

Chuccio: Strange. He seems to have forgotten his, uh, teaching equipment. 

_(Decanus and Samus emerge from the house up the road. At the door to their own house they meet a still slightly dishevelled Rubia)_.

Samus _(cheerfully)_ : Hullo, beloved. How was your language lesson?

Rubia: Oh, I have been hard at it all afternoon.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : For once she speaks the truth!

_(Rubia bats her eyelashes at her husband, and they go inside. Decanus walks across to frown at the house opposite)._

Decanus: Still no sign of the new neighbors, Chuck?

Chuccio: Some furniture was delivered a short while back, master, and the men said that he is expected to move in this afternoon. You can always go round later.

Decanus: True. I think I might change and go out for some jogging.

 _(He walks back into the house)_.

Chuccio: And if the new neighbour is as attractive as Jodia says – though I think 'a backside you could bounce a denarius off' is rather coarse – then later it might be be horizontal jogging!

_(He looks knowingly at the audience and wanders off)._

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is a little later in the day. Chuccio is sat on the bench sewing a tunic. It is peaceful and quiet, until a woman's voice can be heard from offstage)_.

Unseen: Woe, woe, and thrice woe!

_(Chuccio rolls his eyes)._

Chuccio: You haven't had the pleasure of this one yet, have you? Here she comes. This is Pamela, the soothsayer. A.k.a. the woe-woe girl!

 _(Pamela enters. She is young and shapely, and dressed in what might first appear to be rags. In fact they reveal a lot - too much or not enough, depending on your predilection - of her body. She comes up to Chuccio and squints at him)_.

Chuccio: Hullo, Pamela. Been gossiping with the Gods again?

Pamela: I have been high on Oram's Mount.

Chuccio: Sounds painful. I have an ointment that might be.....

Pamela: Hush, lascivious slave!

Chuccio: I am not lascivious. At least not until I look it up.

Pamela: The Gods have given me a vision of the future. I have seen a huge long thing through the window.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : They'll arrest her one of these days if she keeps doing that, you know.

Pamela: A man's destiny will change forever, when he gets hit somewhere unexpected.

Chuccio: Really? I'm not sure if we really want details about.....

Pamela: Right on the head.

Chuccio _(mopping his brow)_ : Whew. That's a relief.

Pamela _(wandering off)_ : Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Chuccio _(sighing)_ : Oh, she is a moaner. Still, I feel sorry for her. I mean, it can't be easy dating someone who tells you not only that your relationship is going to end, but gives you the place and time down to the second. But at least she's useful when it comes to betting on the chariot-races. We've made a packet together!

_(Offstage, a female voice calls 'Chuccio' in a musical tone)._

Chuccio: Oh no! Please Gods, no!

_(He quickly gathers up his sewing, but before he can rise an attractive young woman dressed in a skimpy top and skirt – well, 'dressed' is a bit of a stretch for what she's hardly wearing – hurries down the street and sits beside him. He looks terrified. She simpers at him)._

Chuccio: Hullo, Becca. Long time no see. _(aside)_ Not long enough!

Becca: Hullo, Chuccio. Isn't this wonderful?

_(The slave looks as if this is, just possibly, maybe not that wonderful)._

Chuccio: Er, what?

Becca: My old master left town, you know.

Chuccio: Yes, I celebra..... was really sorry about that.

_(She looks at him sharply, but then opts for another simper. He winces)._

Becca: But my new master needed a slave, so he bought me with the house. I'm going to be living directly opposite you again!

Chuccio: Gods take me now!

Becca: What?

Chuccio: I mean, Gods be praised, that is good news. _(He effects the ultimate in fake smiles)._ Hasn't he moved in yet?

Becca: He's just coming, so I have to go and prepare. See you later Chuckie-poos!

_(She blows him a kiss and flounces off. The servants spends a few moments uttering some choice words skywards before sighing. He has just finished when a young man strolls down the street. He is of average height, has scruffy dark hair and is wearing, rather strangely, a long coat)._

Chuccio: So that is Castiellus the Mighty. Hmm. Doesn't look like much.

_(Castiellus steps into the house and presumably removes his coat out of sight., for it is gone when he briefly moves back to the front step. He is wearing a short gladiator's skirt – dangerously short – and a leather harness across his chest centered on a large iron ring. Chuccio gulps._

Chuccio: The Mighty all right! My master is toast!

__

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is a little while later. Chuccio is standing with his back to the audience, a tinkling sound coming from the other side of him. There is a short pause before he turns, revealing a jar he is filling from the fountain)._

Chuccio: What did you think I was doing? Well, I wasn't. Honestly, some people always think the worst!

_(Decanus hurries out of the house)._

Decanus: Chuccio, is he here yet?

Chuccio: Your new neighbor moved in about half an hour ago, sir. Oh, and I spoke with Rufus the plumber when he passed by. He's fitted an expensive bathroom suite into the house, so this Castiellus must be quite rich. 

Decanus: Did you catch a glimpse of him.

Chuccio: From an angle, yes.

Decanus: Is he good-looking?

Chuccio: Is the Emperor an idiot?

Decanus: What?

Chuccio: I am but a poor slave, master, so my judgement is not that good. _(aside)_ But you're toast.

Decanus: I wonder if it is too soon to go over. He might be having a lie down.

Chuccio _(muttering)_ : Horizontal already. That'll save time.

Decanus: Pardon?

Chuccio: I meant, why not, master? Welcome him to the neighborhood and all that. 

_(Decanus walks round towards his neighbors front door and knocks, then stands back. The door does not open, but something comes flying out of the upstairs large window, over the balcony edge and hits Decanus on the head. He yelps and picks it up)._

Decanus: What on earth is this?

Chuccio _(taking it from him)_ : Well, I really hope it's one of those newfangled loofah things, master. For scrubbers.

Decanus _(frowning)_ : What else could it be?

 _(His servants snickers, holds the object up for inspection, opens his mouth to comment but is spared from stating the bleeding obvious when Castiellus appears at the upstairs window, naked except for a towel. At the angle Decanus is standing, he can clearly see rather a lot. He turns bright red)_.

Chuccio _(muttering)_ : Room with a view!

Castiellus _(calling down; his voice a deep growl)_ : Sorry about that. I got rather exercised and threw the thing away. Didn't mean to hit anyone.

 _(Decanus lets out a noise that would make a lot more sense coming from a stranded whale. Chuccio rolls his eyes. Castiellus smiles a slow smile)_.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : And the hunter becomes the hunted.

Castiellus: You must be my neighbour, Decanus. Sorry for you to see so much of me at once.

Decanus: Wah?

Castiellus: I shall call down to Becca and have her let you in. Then we can talk and have a lie-down together.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : I think my master needs a lie-down all right!

_(Decanus nods dumbly and walks slowly to the door, which opens to admit him. The servant shakes his head and smiles, then goes back to his work. Several moments pass before there is a loud yelp from the neighbor's house, and Decanus limps hurriedly out the front door. There is a visible slap mark on his face)._

Chuccio _(visibly making a straight face)_ : Is everything all right, master?

Decanus: He.... he.....

Chuccio: Yes?

Decanus: He... blew me.

Chuccio: Wow, he is fast!

Decanus: He blew me off. Kneed me right in the unmentionables and slapped me. 

Chuccio: Never mind, master. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

Decans; Bugger the other fish, I want him! You would not believe the length of his..... his.... what's the damn word?

 _(Chuccio is wincing)_.

Decanus: Property.

Chuccio: Phew! 

Decanus: I need a cold bath after that experience. I'll go down to the baths; you can get my things, Chuccio.

Chuccio: Very well master.

_(Decanus departs, still limping. Chuccio shakes his head)._

Chucciop: Well, I'm off to take my master to the baths. See you all later.

_(He gathers his things and gets up. The camera follows him a few steps before he stops)._

Chuccio: And where do think _you're_ going? I'll have you know what we have a family-rating for this show, and we're not having anything that risks losing that. If you're good, I'll describe it to you later. 

_(He walks casually towards the house. Becca appears at the door opposite)._

Becca: Chuckie-poos?

Chuccio: GottarunBeccaBye!

_(He flees into the house. She looks disappointed, but shrugs and returns to her own house)._

FINIS


	2. SECUNDUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inhabitants of Roman Venta continue to behave in a refined, civilized and restrained manner. And pigs fly.

_(The scene: the same Roman street as before. Decanus is sat enjoying the morning sun on his balcony. Chuccio comes out of the house just as a small platoon of soldiers march by; he waits for them then crosses to the fountain._

_Chuccio: Honestly, there he is again. My lord and master, just 'happening' to sit outside so he can ogle that shameless gladiator across the road who 'just happens' to dress every single day with the window wide open._

__(There is the sound of chatter from Castiellus' house. Decanus leans over his balcony)_._

_Chuccio: Poor master. It's been a week since he got slapped for going too far, and he's pining. And that ex-gladiator is terrible; he knows he's being watched and leads him on. Good thing all the posh Romans wear togas, so no-one can see what's 'up' with my master._

__(The door to the ex-gladiator's house opens and a young slave-girl comes out. Chuccio suddenly has the appearance of someone who has realized his day is about to get a whole lot worse, and fast)_._

_Becca: Hullo, Chuckie-poos!_

_Chuccio: Is that the time? I have to go!_

_Becca _(suspiciously)_ : How do you know what the time is, Chuckie-poos?_

_Chuccio: Was that my master's brother calling? Must dash!_

_He departs with a speed that an Olympic sprinter would be proud of. Becca sighs but goes back into her own house._

__

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is a little while later, the same morning. Chuccio pokes his head warily out of the door of his house to see if the coast is clear, then walks slowly out to the fountain. He is carrying a pitcher which he proceeds to fill, keeping a wary eye out on the house nearby)_.

Adamus: Hullo, Chuccio!

 _(The servant jumps violently and knocks the pitcher over; luckily it falls into the trough. He retrieves it and sets it up again)_.

Chuccio: Do not do that, young master! I am nervous enough as it is. I am keeping an eye out for that awful Becca from the house there.

Adamus: Oh, she is down in the forum with her master. And there is a beautiful woman selling charms at a stall by the entrance.

Chuccio: She certainly seems to have charmed you, young master. What is her name?

Adamus _(dreamily)_ : Flavia!

Chuccio _(smirking)_ : What Flavia – vanilla?

_Adamus: I have composed an ode to her, Chuccio. Would you like to hear it?_

_Chuccio _(aside)_ : I have to say yes worse luck; it's in the script. _(To Adamus)_ Of course, young master. Hand it over._

__(Adamus hands Chuccio a scratch-board.)_ _

_Chuccio: 'Ode to Flavia'. How sweet. 'She is so fair, she is so sweet, much better than the rest' – _he rolls his eyes at the audience_ \- 'and how I'd love to make her mine, and handle her great attractive body'._

_Adamus: I can't think of a rhyme for rest for some reason._

_Chuccio _(sighing)_ : One sex maniac, one cuckold and one who wouldn't know what to do with a woman if one did say yes to him. The Gods have a lot to answer for!_

_Adamus: There's that neighbor of ours coming down the road, Chuccio. And he's got that slave-girl with him that you...._

__(There is a trail of dust leading back to the house, but no Chuccio.)_ _

__

■S□P■Q□R■

_(Chuccio is polishing a sword on the bench by the fountain when a second party of soldiers passes by. The one at the back detaches himself and comes over to him. He is dark-haired and swarthy, and one eye-patch short of having a parrot on his shoulder.)_

Soldier: Slave, I am looking for the house of one Rubia. She sent for someone to, uh, instruct her in some military maneuvers.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : There's a term for it I haven't heard.

Soldier: What?

Chuccio: Nothing, sir. That would be the slu.... my master's brother's wife, who lives in that house yonder. Would you like me to announce you?

Soldier: Name's Alexandros, and no-one's ever 'announced' me in my life. I prefer to come up on people and surprise them.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Doubt you've got any 'military maneuvers' that'd surprise her! _(To Alexandros)_ I believe the mistress is alone just now, sir. May the Gods go with you, and remember that the green door in her room is the emergency exit.

 _(Alexandros looks at Chuccio a little oddly but crosses to the house and enters. Some few moments later the shutters over one of the balcony windows at the top are pulled back and Rubia appears)_.

Rubia: Chuccio!

Chuccio: Yes, mistress?

Rubia: I shall be a little busy for.... a while. Have you seen my husband at all?

Chuccio: He went down to sign up as an army clerk, madam. He should be back shortly, but I have already alerted your 'guest' as to the way out.

 _(Rubia titters and withdraws, closing the shutters. Chuccio shakes his head)_.

Chuccio: I would have added the way in, but she'll be showing him that soon enough.... by Jupiter it's the husband!

_(Samus appears, looking more than a little bedraggled as he limps up to where Chuccio is sitting.)_

Chuccio: Is something the matter, master?

Samus: I went to register for army work, but the guy in charge was a bit.... well, he wasn't what I was expecting.

Chuccio: Not Centurion Mikos then?

Samus: No, it was his brother Lucius.

Chuccio _(winces, turns to the audience)_ : That's the guy known as the Devil by the men under him – and I do mean _under_ him! He not only bats for the other side but has tried every position in the bloody team. Including the reserves!)

Samus: He insisted on giving me a complete physical, Chuccio. Very thorough he was, considering I'll only be taking down notes.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : And your tunic!

Samus: What?

Chuccio: Nothing, master. 

Samus: And then he asked me if I could remove all my clothes in an emergency. The army certainly isn't what I expected!

Chuccio _(sighing)_ : As you can see, none of them got the brains in this family.

 _(Samus heads off to the house. Once he is inside Chuccio hurries after him and throws a stone at the shuttered window above the door. Sure enough, there is the sound of frantic scrambling from inside the room, then Rubia hurries out onto the balcony and drops onto the lounger. Her husband appears just moments later)_.

Samus: So you've just been sunning yourself, beloved?

Rubia: Yes dear, just lying here thinking of you.

Chuccio: And she's lying now, the harlot!

Rubia: I think I shall go down to the forum and do some shopping. And I might drop in at the barracks.

Samus: Why?

Rubia: Er..... just to see how they are doing with their recruitment drive. One of the soldiers who marched by earlier.... um, he dropped something. Must go, dear heart.

 _(She rises and hurries inside)_.

■□■□■□■□■S□P■Q□R■□■□■□■□■

_(It is some time later. Chuccio is sewing on the bench outside his house – and still keeping a wary eye out for any sex-mad slave-girls in the vicinity – when a large, muscular looking centurion swaggers down the street. It is definitely a swagger, not a walk)_.

Chuccio: Now this could be interesting, folks. That man-mountain is the famous Lucius, renowned for his sexual appetite even among us Romans. And _that_ takes some doing!

Lucius: You there, slave. I am looking for the house of the brothers Decanus and Samus.

Chuccio: That is the house behind me, sir. The master is not at home, but his brother is upstairs resting.

Lucius: Yes, I saw him earlier.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Quite a lot of him. (To the centurion) I heard the young master saying that he wished to join the army as a clerk.

Lucius: You know what they say; 'join the army, feel a man'.

Chuccio _(aside)_ I bet you did! 

Lucius: Is anyone else at home?

Chuccio: Only the young Master Adamus, out in the back garden composing more terrible poetry. He will not be in for hours.

Lucius: I think I might call in, then. Just to make sure how I felt about our newest recruit earlier was justified.

Chuccio: And to feel him up again to make sure!

Lucius: What?

Chuccio: Just agreeing that you have to make sure, sir. It must be hard, being a centurion.

 _(Lucius looks down)_.

Lucius: I need to wear a looser kit if you can see that!

 _(He strides off and into the house. Chuccio sighs)_.

■S□P■Q□R■

_(Lucius pokes his head carefully out of the door of Decanus' house, and steps warily out. Chuccio is sat on the bench and waves cheerily to him, but is ignored. The centurion is so busy watching the house behind him that he fails to notice a door in the house opposite has opened)_.

Castiellus: Good afternoon, brother.

 _(Lucius lets out a sound that could be called a manly expression of surprise, if the Latin language was about six times more elastic that it actually is)_.

Lucius: Castiellus! What are you doing here?

Castiellus: I live here, Lucius. I did tell you that I was purchasing a house in town, remember?

Lucius: I do not remember that.

Castiellus _(sighing)_ : We were at the baths, and you were drooling over that group in from Egypt. Or was it the group back from Greece?

Lucius _(scowling)_ : I do think of things other than sex, you know!

 _(Chuccio suffers from a sudden coughing-fit. Lucius glares at him, and Castiellus smiles)_.

Lucius: So you know the owners of the house opposite, then?

 _(Castiellus smiles dangerously)_.

Castiellus: Oh yes. One of them is always leering at me from his balcony. He nearly fell off it the other day when he was trying to keep me in sight while I was dressing.

Lucius _(suddenly tense)_ : Which man was it?

Castiellus: The owner, Decanus. He has two brothers, and.....

 _(He looks shrewdly at his brother , who is seemingly fascinated by the pavement)_.

Castiellus: You are into Samus, are you not?

Chuccio _(aside)_ : He sure would like to be!

Lucius: You make me sound like a complete slut!

 _(Chuccio opens his mouth to state the obvious, but very wisely thinks the better of it)_.

Castiellus: You always did like them tall, I remember. Those twins that time in Rome – what happened to them?

Lucius: Footmen at my place now.

Chuccio: I bet they don't stop at the foot!

 _(Both men look at him suspiciously, and he pointedly polishes harder without looking at them)_.

Castiellus: Well, the taller one is for me. Once I've got him horny and desperate enough, of course.

Lucius: You always were a bastard when it came to that sort of thing.

Castiellus: Takes one to know one, brother dearest!

 _(The men shake hands and depart)_.

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is the next day. Various noises can be heard from inside Decanus' house)_.

Unknown: Ah...ah....ah....ah... ah... aaaah.....argh!

 _(Chuccio emerges, looking surprised at the audience's tittering)_.

Chuccio: What did you think I was doing? Well, I wasn't. Not on my salary, because I don't get one. I was trying to get the stopper out of a pot for the cook. The things a poor slave has to do....

Pamela _(coming down the street)_ : Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Chuccio _(sighing)_ : And here comes Madam Jollity herself! 

Pamela: This foul city is brimming with vice and sin!

Chuccio: Not for me it's not. I don't even get to escort the orgy girls back to the depot any more, not after last time. 

Pamela: You come from a house full of lechers, slave!

Chuccio: Yes, but I'm still not getting any. 

Pamela: Times change, and things are going to get a lot harder.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Definitely for the young master, with that Lucius around. 

Pamela: Man can never know what danger lurks right behind him!

Chuccio: No, but I think even Samus could make a bloody good guess!

Pamela: Woe, woe and thrice woe!

_(She departs. Chuccio rolls his eyes after her)_

■S□P■Q□R■

_(Chuccio is lurking by the bench, keeping a wary eye out for lascivious – he did look it up - slave-girls. Samus approaches from down the street, looking decidedly disheveled)_ >

Chuccio: Young master. How did your first day go?”

Samus: All a bit odd, Chuccio. Centurion Lucius appointed me his personal secretary, and I had to take down several things for him.

Chuccio: I bet you did!

Samus: And did you know, it's now the law for army secretary's to have to sit on their boss' laps while taking notes?

Chuccio _(aside)_ : I really could see him London Bridge, you know!

Samus: It was incredibly hard.

Chuccio: Really? I would have thought that leather skirt would have stopped you feeling anything.

Samus: I meant concentrating while he kept putting me in the correct position. He thinks I will make a good secretary, but I will need a lot of hard work.

Chuccio: And he's the one to give it you, I bet!

Samus: He really is very good for a boss, Chuccio. It was damn hot in his office, but he let me take off most of my clothes to keep cool. In fact he even took off all of his, just to make me more comfortable.

Chuccio _(shaking his head)_ : Sell him Rome while I'm at it!

 _(Samus leaves and goes inside the house. Moments later the balcony door opens and a young flaxen-haired figure rushes out, clambers over the edge and drops to the street below before racing off. Chuccio sighs)_.

Chuccio: Rubia's science professor. I bet he doesn't know his pestle from his mortar!

_(Decanus emerges from the house just in time to spot the fleeing figure of the 'science teacher'. He stares after it curiously, but instead crosses to house of Castiellus opposite. Chuccio watches with interest as he knocks at the door and the master of the house opens it)._

Decanus: Uh.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Meet Decanus Superbus, Master Wordsmith!

Castiellus: How may I help you?

Chuccio: I could make a few suggestions!

Decanus: I, uh, just wanted to see how you were settling in. Getting the lie of the land, you know.

Chuccio: And getting the lie of someone on it!

Castiellus: Well, from our first encounter I can see that you take a hands-on approach to things!

 _(Decanus' blush can probably be seen from Londinium)_.

Decanus: It's just.... you know.... I've never.... uh....

Castiellus: Never seen an elephant fly? Never said never again? Never been kissed?

Decanus: Uh.....

 _(Chuccio rolls his eyes at his master's ineptitude. Castiellus grins)_.

Castiellus: Well, we'd better put that right then.

_(He steps forward. He is slightly shorted than Decanus and has to pull him down slightly. The taller man lets out a noise that would make more sense coming from a walrus whose mating has been unexpectedly interrupted, before he is very thoroughly kissed. In the background, Chuccio is counting on his fingers. Castiellus finally lets Decanus go, and the taller man staggers backwards._

Castiellus: There. Now you _have_ been kissed.

Decanus: Mwah?

_(Chuccio is making fake vomiting gestures)_. 

Castiellus: Kissed. Maybe next time, we might try for a little more than a kiss.

_(He steps back and shuts the door. Decanus just stands there gaping, until Chuccio comes across and guides him back to the house, taking him inside. After a short time he re-emerges)_. 

Chuccio: Well, you know what they say. Be careful what you wish for – because in my master's case, I'm very much afraid that he is going to get it! He's such an idiot. Fancy making a fool of himself over....

_(Becca pops her head out of the window of Castiellus' house)_. 

Becca: Chuckie-poos? Are you out there for your Becky-wecky?

_(Chuccio utters a noise that is least an octave too high for a male human)_. 

Chuccio: Time to scarperus, folks. See you next time!

_(He makes it to his door just in time, it closing just as Becca comes out looking decidedly disappointed)_. 

Becca: Men!

_FINIS_


	3. TERTIUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rubia's lasciviousness catches up with her courtesy of an accidental encounter that isn't, and Pamela's sideline in potions and unguents makes it a long, hard day for some people in Venta.

_(The scene: between the houses of Castiellus and Decanus. Everything is as before; two men walk down the street chatting and disappear round the corner in the distance. Chuccio comes out of his master's house struggling with a heavy case which he drops unceremoniously on the street before staggering over to the fountain to get a drink. Sitting on the bench, he shakes his head at the audience)_.

Chuccio: Have you lot missed some fun and games this past twenty-four hours! I never thought I'd live to see the day when Mistress Rubia got caught out in her wayward ways.

 _(Busy with his drink, he does not see Becca emerge from Castiellus' house and come up behind him as he is speaking. She places her hands over his eyes)_.

Becca _(in a sing-song voice)_ : Guess who?

Chuccio: Uh, Emperor Vespasian?

Becca: Silly Chuccio! It's your Becky-wecky!

 _(She comes round to sit beside him, apparently missing his fake vomiting gestures)_.

Chuccio: Sorry, Becca. I'm all of a tizz after yesterday. Mistress Rubia spent all night crying and begging for forgiveness, but for once Samus was having none of it. I still can't believe he actually caught her with the entire Blue Chariot Squad.

Becca: Yes. Funny, that.

 _(Chuccio looks sharply at her. She swings her legs back and forth in a way that is not exactly innocent)_.

Chuccio: Becca? Do you know something?

Becca: It was a complete fluke, honest. My master went into the stadium, your master saw him and followed him, he had his brother with him, and they must have seen Mistress Rubia by accident.

Chuccio _(thoughtfully)_ : 'By accident'. Hmm. And why was your master going into the stadium?

Becca: He said he wanted a leather harness. Odd really. He doesn't have a horse or anything.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Just someone who needs restraining.

Becca: What?

Chuccio: Oh nothing. Yes, a complete fluke.

 _(They are interrupted by a commotion heard through the suddenly open door of Decanus' house. Rubia storms out, looking less than put together and clearly very angry)_.

Rubia: Well see if I care! I'm off to find someone who can be as flexible as I am when it comes to marriage.

Chuccio: That narrows it down to just the gymnastics teacher, and he's already married.

Rubia: You'll miss me when I'm gone!

 _(Her purse is thrown out of the house and clips her on the head)_.

Chuccio: Apparently they don't miss you that much.

 _(She grabs the case that Chuccio brought out earlier and struggles away down the street with it, disappearing off round the corner)_.

Becca: Will her husband miss her, do you think?

Chuccio: She was talking about all the gold and jewellery she stashed in her case when they were all asleep last night.

Becca _(aghast)_ : You have to stop her!

 _(Chuccio grins, and stands up. He extracts a second case identical to the first from round the back of the fountain)_.

Chuccio: Switched them when I took her case out. I'd better put all this back.

Becca: What?

Chuccio: This contains all the stuff she put away. The other one which she's going to lug all the way down to the docks contains some of that rubble from the building work out the back!

 _(He staggers away)_.

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is later the same morning. Chuccio is finishing off peeling some potatoes. Adamus emerges from the house looking as dozy as per usual)_.

Chuccio: He hasn't even gone out today, the young master. He can't have seen a woman already, surely?

Adamus: Hullo, Chuccio. I've been trying to write an ode about Rubia.

Chuccio: Okay, I'll bite. Why?

Adamus: Samus said he wanted to commemorate her departure. Well, he actually said 'celebrate' but I think he was just upset.

Chuccio: Yeah, 'upset'. How it is going?

 _(Adamus hands his scratch-board to the slave)_.

Chuccio: 'A Farewell Ode'. Ah. 'The glamour and the beauty too, they formeth but a wrapper'. _(He shakes his head at the audience.)_ So now she's gone to pastures now, the miserable former wife of Samus'.

Adamus: It's almost there, but nothing seems to rhyme with 'wrapper'.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : I'll have 'Starts with 'sl-' for one hundred sesterces.

 _(Adamus takes his scratch-board and wanders off. Chuccio is barely sat back down again when a new arrival approaches down the street. It is Pamela the soothsayer, for once dressed close to respectably. She knocks at Decanus' door and talks to the slave there before handing over a bottle of something. Turning to leave, she spots and approaches Chuccio)_.

Chuccio: Mistress Pamela. Not saying any sooth today?

Pamela: I thought I'd put my talents to other uses, Chuccio. I kind of knew that my services would be in demand here, so I dropped off a second lot of brew.

Chuccio _(to the audience)_ Pamela does a sideline in unguents and balms. _(To the soothsayer)_ What did you give to the young master?

Pamela: A lust potion.

Chuccio: You mean a love potion?

Pamela: Don't be silly, Chuccio. Potions can't make people fall in love. But they can make them act on their basic instincts. Which reminds me; I shall miss Rubia. She was one of the few customers with a standing order.

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Standing or lying down?

Pamela: Your young master Samus wants to let off some steam. I'm just making sure he lets off enough.

Chuccio _(wincing)_ : TMI, Pamela! 

_(She titters and wanders off. Chuccio sighs and goes back to his potatoes. He is barely done with the next one when another familiar figure appears and swaggers down the street)_.

Chuccio: Oh buggerus! Him of all people and my young master.... wait a minute.

 _(He thinks for a moment. Lucius reaches him)_.

Lucius: Slave. Is young master Samus up?

Chuccio: If he's had one of Pamela's potions, most definitely!

Lucius: Good. I thought I'd drop by and see if he's ready for some hard pounding.

Chuccio: Oh he'll be hard all right!

 _(Lucius goes to the house and is admitted. There is a short pause, then Samus emerges on the balcony of his room. He looks frankly possessed)_.

Samus _(panting)_ : Chuccio. I..... I may be some time.

Chuccio: If she's given you the Reprise Surprise, you sure will be!

Samus _(turning to the room)_ : Right, you. C'mere!

 _(He closes the shutters forcibly. Chuccio winces but feels about in the bag at his feet until he extracts a large hour glass)_.

Chuccio: Poor Lucius. Ah well, as he said. Join the army, feel a man. And he's feeling it now I bet!

 _(He frowns)_.

Chuccio: I have the funny feeling I missed something earlier. Oh well, it'll come to me.

 _(There is a blood-curdling groan from his house)_.

Chuccio _(grinning)_ : It's certainly coming to poor Lucius!

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is a short time later, not long judging from the fact the huge hour-glass is about halfway through. Chuccio has finished his potatoes and is now polishing some sort of wooden game-board. Decanus appears in the distance and walks down the street)_.

Decanus _(sings)_ : I'm getting lucky in the evening!

Chuccio _(aside)_ : Your brother's already been lucky. Seven times minimum from the sound of it. The least he could have done was to have provided some earplugs.

Decanus: Hello, Chuccio. It's a wonderful day, what with Rubia slinging her hook this morning.

Chuccio: Yes, master. We slaves are heartbroken at her departure.

 _(Decanus looks at him uncertainly, and Chuccio cannot help but snigger)_.

Decanus: Thought not. Castiellus the Mighty has invited me over for a drink this evening. Play my cards right and I might get to find out just how 'mighty' he really is.

Chuccio: In that tunic, most people already know!

Decanus: What?

Chuccio: Nothing, master. I believe your brother Samus is entertaining someone from work just now.

Decanus: Yes, he said that he was settling in well there. Even if his boss is a bit hands-on.

Chuccio: So is your brother, just now!

Decanus: I think I'm off to the baths. Get myself nice and clean for this evening. You never know!

 _(He strolls away)_.

Chuccio: And to think he called Rubia a sl... a woman who puts it about. That's the cauldron calling the saucepan black if ever I heard it!

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is a short time later, and the hour-glass is nearly empty. Chuccio is sweeping the area in front of the house, but stops to cross to the hour-glass. As it finishes Lucius staggers out of his house, looking thoroughly ravished)_.

Lucius: The Gods save me! He's insatiable!

Chuccio: Cauldron, saucepan.

Lucius: Slave, is my brother at home? Please Gods say yes!

 _(Chuccio is prevented from replying by the emergence of a very smug and only slightly disheveled Samus from behind him. The younger man leers at the centurion)_.

Samus: I'm not finished with you by a long chalk, soldier. Get back in here!

 _(Lucius whines but obeys, trudging to his fate like a condemned man. Chuccio turns the hour-glass over)_.

Chuccio: And now for the Reprise part. I only hope there's something left for the army!

■S□P■Q□R■

_(It is later still. The hour-glass is once more almost empty. Decanus is returning from the baths, approaching Chuccio who is filling a pitcher at the fountain)_.

Decanus: Hullo, Chuccio. Is my brother finished yet?

Chuccio: No, but his boss probably is.

Decanus: I'm all ready for my favorite gladiator. I wonder if he'll show me some of his moves?

Chuccio: Only if you're very good. Or if he's very bad!

Decanus: I think I'll go knock.

 _(The hour-glass runs out at that precise moment. Castiellus' door opens and two male slaves come out carrying what looks like a stretcher. They cross to Decanus' house and enter, emerging a short time after with what is left of Lucius on it, the centurion moaning at every step. They take him away back to his barracks while Samus comes out after him, rubbing his hands together at a job (and a boss) well done. He goes back inside just as Castiellus emerges from his own house)_.

Castiellus: Ah Decanus, you are nice and early. Come in please.

 _(Decanus grins lasciviously at him and disappears into the house. Chuccio sets about tidying up but does not get very far)_.

Becca: Oh Chuckie-poos!

 _(Chuccio rolls his eyes, but she is already with him)_.

Chuccio: Hello, Becca. Not long enough time no see.

Becca: My master is so generous, Chuccio. He has given us all the evening off after we laid out food for him and his guest. 

Chuccio: Removing witnesses, in other words.

Becca: And he even ordered in some special flavored potion from that soothsayer who comes round here.

Chuccio _(suddenly paling)_ : Oh buggerus that was it. The woman said she was on her second delivery. That means Castellus has the same stuff that Samus got, and.....

Becca: What is it?

Chuccio _(turning over the hour-glass once more)_ : I would be away for your evening off if I were you. For someone in there it's going to be a long, _hard_ evening!

 _(There is an agonized yelp from inside Castiellus' house which trails off into a pleasured moan. Becca scampers away while Chuccio collects his things as quickly as possible before rushing back to his own house)_.

FINIS


End file.
